Well here I am again writing when I am supposed to be sleeping. I even decided to give myself some extra time between pumpings so I could get more sleep and of course, I am wide awake. Since I was released from the hospital I have had nothing but emotional highs, Calla has been and continues to do great, and I am so proud of her. However, today was a hard day for me. Like Scott wrote she continues to have her episodes where she forgets to breath and she often has then when I am holding her in the evenings. This is always hard on me because I feel that I can’t protect her from them. One week ago she was still inside me and I could protect her from everything and now she is no tiny and has to deal with the big outside world. I know that she will grow out of them and that she is doing great for how tiny she is, but that does not change a mothers need to protect her child from everything or the need I have to make everything all right.
Scott and I have settled into a routine of spending time with her in the hospital and taking some time at the guest house for ourselves. But it also it had to make those decisions about how much time to spend there and when to leave and take time for ourselves. Most parents don’t “get” to be part time parents with fulltime babysitters watching their child. So we deal with the emotions of leaving her to be cared for by others (no matter that they are wonderful Doctors and nurses!) while we take a nap, eat lunch, or run and errand. We know that we have to take care of ourselves, because we need to be healthy for her and ready to take her home whenever she is ready. So I struggle with some guilt over taking time for myself but also trying to remind myself that “normal” mothers get to have their new babies at home to snuggle with, nap with, and just be at home with. While Scott and I have to visit our daughter in the hospital and wait for her to be strong enough to go home. So we are hanging in there, we know that their will continue to be emotional highs and lows, but as long as we stick together we can get through them all.
2 comments:
Whew. I can scarcely breathe myself when I read about Calla's Big Adventure! Courtney and Scott, you are both doing WONDERFULLY, and the best thing you can do for your baby is to take care of yourselves as best you can. Don't worry, the snuggle and cuddle time at home will come! So also will the days when you can't choose to sleep, or run errands, or have a conversation longer than 30 seconds. Hold on tight to each other and the rest will come. :) Love, Stephanie G.
I look forward to Calla's Diary everyday. Lynda just told me today how I can leave a comment, so see how this goes. I loved all the pictures, especially showing Scott holding Calla in the palm of his hand and actually seeing in perspective how small and precious she is.
I can't wait to hear about Bob and Lynda's reaction of finally seeing Calla. I am sure there will be tears of joy.
Please continue saying something when ever you can, if only a few words.
Love you, Aunt Sharon
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